HTR

(This is a “blast from the past” — something I wrote on April 14 1997 — and I was writing about something that had occurred a couple of years before that. I’m only re-posting here it to provide context / explanation of what “HTR” was.)

I was one of the conservative ones in my church! I’ve never been an example of someone who receives very easily. Most of the time, my “breakthroughs” came only after much soaking and prayer and worship. I was committed to renewal, even a part of the ministry team and worship team– but I was never among the first to get “hit” hard during services. But I never totally gave up.

While I was living in New York, I went to Toronto several times with friends from my church. I always had a hard time receiving in Toronto, I’m not a great fan of crowds, and I’m not a very “pushy” person when it comes to getting up to the front for ministry time. But on this particular trip I got a little bold and worked my way up when they had the altar call. I was nervous, but trying my best to be focused on God.

Earlier that week I had gone to one of the morning meetings, where the leaders of the prayer teams were doing some teaching about ministry times and tips for ministry teams. One of the things that was mentioned or discussed was called “backwash”, where the people doing the praying would feel the annointing “bouncing” off the pray-ee back to the pray-or because (and I don’t know that I entirely agree with this) the pray-ee could not or would not receive it. (they were “HTR”, Vineyardese for Hard Time Receiving).

The ministry teams were workign their way down the line I was standing in. When one reached me, they were obviously getting “hit” as well. After praying for me a little bit, the ministry team member asked the catcher if he was familiar with the concept of backwash. The catcher responded that he was. The ministry team member then said that he felt that was what was going on, I was HTR, and they should move on. So they did. The whole exchange took about 30 seconds… a “New York Minute”.

I was devastated. I fought hard to keep the tears back for the next 10 or 15 minutes, till the team member and catcher had moved 3 or 4 folx down the line and I could slip out relatively inconspicuously. Then I made my way to the very back of the room, found an empty patch of wall, sat down, and cried. I *thought* I was recieving, I *thought* I was doing the best I could. But the pain of being labeled “HTR” by a ministry team member in such a matter-of-fact manner was horrible. I didn’t know what, if anything at all, I was doing wrong. I thought I was receiving. But after basically being told by an “official” ministry team member at *the* renewal hotspot (Toronto was really the only “hotspot” at the time) that I wasn’t receiving, I couldn’t help but doubt my own ability to hear God.

In retrospect, I know that I was receiving– I was not a major “mover and shaker”, but I was receiving. Unfortunately, for many weeks and months after that experience I rarely went forward for prayer. I’d find a quiet spot in the room and spend time with God there, but I’d rarely seek prayer from any ministry team.