Turns out that these signs are unique to Louisiana, and come from a program that was abandoned in the early 1990s… apparently, at least in part because of the ambiguity. The idea was to warn drivers about roads that fell short of meeting the highest standards — lanes too narrow, missing or inadequate shoulders, poor grading, etc. These were mostly older roads that were state-of-the-art in their time: before SUVs and low-riders and monster-sized pickup trucks were available to the masses. They just weren’t designed to accommodate that kind of traffic the way modern roads are. These “substandard roadways” weren’t bad enough that they needed to be shut down… and while most folks never have any problem using them, it wouldn’t hurt to pay a little extra attention when you find yourself on a “substandard” section. In a perfect world, every road would be freshly paved with wide shoulders and flawless drainage… and there would be no accidents.

But it’s not a perfect world. We’re living in a fallen, less-than-ideal world. When we hit a particularly bad stretch, sometimes there are warning signs… but we can miss them or misunderstand them. So more frequently than we’d like to admit in life, our substandard understanding collides with a substandard circumstance… and people get hurt.

I was glad to see 2011 come to a close. In many ways, it was a difficult year for me. I felt like I could see the signs that something wasn’t right — just like those deprecated and ambiguous “Substandard Roadway” signs. I didn’t know what they really meant or why they were there. All I knew for sure was that I was on a difficult road, I was there alone, and I could only guess at why. And I guessed wrong. I was so concerned about a possible sharp curve ahead… that I wound up getting hit by the falling rocks I wasn’t even expecting.

And that’s just life sometimes.

After something like that happens… it’s probably human nature to want to turn around and go another way, to abandon the difficult road in favor of a different one. It would be easier… but if we refused to travel on anything but the best roads that met the ultimate standards… we’d never get very far.  And the most amazing things in life… well, they tend to happen most frequently when you choose the more difficult road.

I’m not making New Years Resolutions this year. But I do have a goal or challenge for myself: to take the more difficult road, to do it quickly (rather than delaying and avoiding it), to travel it completely without unnecessary u-turns, and to accept that some things are just plain substandard… and I might not be able to (or even need to) fix them all.

And while the Ridiculist was still playing, I happened to click through to a blog post from a pastor who says that women need to hear the words “You Are Beautiful” every day.

Really?

Now, in that pastor’s defense, he wasn’t just talking about beauty pageant beauty, but the inner beauty that everyone has because they were created in God’s image. But honestly… I can live a very happy life without ever hearing the words “You Are Beautiful.” Partly, that’s because “you are beautiful” is a trite and often insincere statement from folks who think they are supposed to say it, or (worse) from folks who hope to gain something from you by saying it. And I realize that’s not always the case: I go to a church where every male leader takes every possible opportunity to publically call his wife beautiful from the pulpit, and I’m sure they’re sincere & say it as a high compliment.

But don’t call me beautiful.

“Beautiful” has nothing to do with who I am, my character, my creativity, my intelligence, my integrity, my abilities. We praise men for these characteristics, things that are more than just skin deep. That’s what I want. That’s what I can’t live without. If you’re going to praise me, praise me for the same things that the Proverbs 31 woman is praised for: trustworthiness, business skills and savvy, productivity, generosity, humor, and wisdom (to name a few).

Don’t call me beautiful. Beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

I can understand why it’s such a favorite — after all, who wouldn’t want that kind of promise for themselves? Here it is in the NIV:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

But taken alone (which it almost always is), it seems to mean something that the author never intended.

I can hardly read it, even today, without the mental image of a Word of Faith/Prosperity preacher, beads of sweat on his brow, a look of intensity on his face, dramatically pointing at people and quoting this verse, his booming voice lingering for effect on the words “prosper”, “hope” and “future.” And the message is that God wants to bless you, prosper you, great things are going to happen for YOU! Your future is bright and full of the promise of happiness, financial success, and health! You are chosen! God has big plans for your life!

The problem is, if you take the verse in context, that’s not really what Jeremiah was saying.

This verse is most often quoted and applied to specific individuals — but Jeremiah is talking to the Jewish people as a whole. This isn’t a promise to every specific individual; it’s a promise to preserve a nation. Yes, it’s still a positive message — but not a prosperity message. It’s not a “God has Big Plans for YOU” message. Not the kind of spiritual “instant gratification” that seems so popular today.

“Prosper” is probably not the best translation of the Hebrew here. In fact, the word that is most often used when speaking of material prosperity, tsalach, is not the word used in this verse. It’s shalom… and while shalom can mean many things, it’s the word we most often associate with the English word “peace.” Here’s the same verse in the NASB:

“For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”

If this verse really meant what some modern preachers would like us to believe, then why didn’t Jeremiah’s audience react the way modern audiences do? Jeremiah wasn’t received as a hero. He was ultimately imprisoned because he did NOT preach a feel-good message. So why do we feel at liberty to take it as a feel-good message today?

Jeremiah was writing a message of consolation, not celebration. He wasn’t giving his audience hope for immediate or or near-term blessings. In fact, when we read this verse in context, we see that Jeremiah was bringing comfort to people who would most likely be dead before these words were fulfilled. He was not promising an absence of calamity — the exile itself was a hardship that would have to be endured, and Jeremiah promised even MORE calamity for those who hadn’t been carried off into exile. We only have to go back to verse 10 to see that the promise of verse 11 would come only after 70 years of captivity had passed. There was an awful lot of time and hardship standing between the exiles and the fulfillment of this verse.

If we go back even further, to Chapter 28, we’ll see that Jeremiah was in conflict with another self-proclaimed prophet, whose message was much more in line with the “instant gratification” message of today. Jeremiah was telling the people that they would be in captivity for 70 years and they needed to pray for their captors and make the best of it. Hananiah was telling them that within two years, they’d be out of captivity and everything would be restored. Can’t help but wonder, which prophet would the modern church embrace?

Preparing for a 9/11 service, and re-living a host of emotions and memories 10 years later…

The paradox of attending a conference which simultaneously stirred strong memories of both belonging and rejection…

Passing through a former hometown and visiting with some wonderful old friends… and remembering the abuse and control that we were subject to at our former church…

Attending a funeral for a fellow church member’s father, which stirred memories of my own father’s death… and made me wonder what my own funeral would be like.

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for the ones left behind. But since I’m single and have no children of my own, I wouldn’t be leaving anyone behind. So who would be there? What would be said? What would be in my obituary? Who would even write it, let alone read it?

Would people actually miss me, or just wonder why certain things weren’t getting done anymore?

Will I truly make an impact in the areas that I’m passionate about before I die? Or will I spend my life working for things that aren’t going to last… and people who aren’t even going to remember?

Will anything or anyone truly be better because I was here?

Those are questions that I can only answer myself, by the way I choose to live. But thinking about all of this is good for me — it’s healthy — because unless we step back every once in while to see the big picture, it’s easy to forget that the things that scream the loudest for our attention are often the most insignificant. The significant is nearly always silent. It doesn’t seek you out, it demands to be sought.

Being without a phone and a laptop at the same time also gave me a chance to ponder my options moving forward. And since I was already planning to add a tablet to my tech family, I began to consider two sets of options: Go with Apple (Macbook Pro / Iphone / Ipad) or go with HP (Envy / Pre / Touchpad). An Android family of options didn’t even make my list — my secondary cellphone is an Evo, a “top of the line” Android contender for its time, but it failed to impress me.

In the end, I went with my heart and my wallet. The biggest ticket item in this purchase trio by far was the laptop, and the bottom line was that I could get much more computing power for the same price if I went the PC route. And I had fallen in love with WebOS. It was so easy to use and intuitive for me.

In retrospect, I guess I should have realized that all was not well with HP when I attempted to buy a laptop from them. The Envy model that I wanted had been discontinued, and that same set of features was no longer available in any laptop system from HP. It struck me as odd… and seemed like a bad customer service / marketing move… but didn’t raise any major red flags at the time. In the end, my laptop business went to Dell.

I was also a little disappointed that the much-hyped Pre3, HP’s latest and greatest WebOS phone, was nowhere to be seen by midsummer. But as an original Pre owner, the year-old Pre2 was still an upgrade for me and I was excited to have it.

The 32-GB HP Touchpad rounded out my happy new tech family, and I was elated! WebOS doesn’t have the same number of apps available as Android or Apple, but I could do everything I wanted / needed to do with existing apps or “homebrew” offerings from other WebOS enthusiasts. It seemed like everything had fallen into place for me and I was looking forward to putting my new tech toys to the test with the start of the fall semester.

But while I was busy snapping pictures of hundreds of students during registration this past Thursday, HP was holding a company meeting to announce, among other things, the end of WebOS. (Really, the end of HP, as we’ve known it…)

And I was stunned. And deflated. I know it’s just technology, just something inanimate, just a tool… but it stung. And not just because I had made a financial investment in hardware that was now being liquidated for a fraction of what I had paid. I had also made an emotional investment — and I felt a little betrayed. I wasn’t just buying a tablet, I was buying HP’s commitment to future development of a platform I loved. HP did say that it wasn’t walking away from WebOS, but those words ring a bit hollow.

So now what?

Well, it’s not like I’ve been left with absolutely nothing. For better or for worse, I am the owner of two WebOS devices that, at the present time at least, work very well for me. I’ve been robbed of most of the joy of ownership… but I figure I have at least a year of usable life in these devices. That’s about a year to resign myself to the inevitable and save up for the transition to Apple.

Am I bitter? Well, that new printer I need to purchase? The new server I’ll be needing soon? They’re not gonna be from HP…

I’ve always been pretty faithful about getting my oil changed… but until I got my current vehicle, I had never really noticed any difference performance-wise before and after oil changes. And I never thought much about that, because it was just a maintenance thing. I was doing it to prevent problems, not correct them. Plus, since I use one of those full-service oil-change places, I got all of my fluids checked, my tires filled, windows cleaned, and the inside vacuumed too

But my current vehicle always seemed to “perk up” noticeably after an oil change… almost like it was happy to be clean and topped off! Since it’s a convertible and more of a “sports car” than anything I’ve ever had before, I just figured it was more sensitive to oil and fluids than the average sedan. The most striking difference I noticed was that the gas pedal was so much more responsive! Then it would slowly lose some of that responsiveness as the odometer closed in on my next scheduled oil change.

I assumed that the responsive gas pedal had to do with something that the oil change guys were checking, lubing, or topping off.

But I was wrong.

I accidentally discovered the *real* reason for my post-oil-change perk up the other morning.

It’s the vacuuming.

It turns out that the floor mat “creeps” up under the gas pedal as I go about my normal driving routine. It slowly makes the pedal physically harder to push. But if I just pull the mat back a bit… which you pretty much have to do when you’re vacuuming the inside of the car… instant improvement!

I love finding unexpected solutions. Sometimes big improvements come from small, seemingly unrelated adjustments!

My laptop is on life support. Literally. It’s sitting on a cooling pad — an external heat sink platform with some build in fans to help with ventilation. Without it, if I run photoshop or even try to play angry birds, the laptop overheats and shuts off. So basically… my laptop is on a ventilator. I’m treating it like a sick family member: giving it plenty of time to rest and trying not to get it too excited or stressed out. Ironic… here’s technology that was supposed to make my life easier, and now I’m going out of my way to make its life easier. *shrug*

But I was already well aware of the extent of my laptop addiction. I spend more time with my laptop than I do with anyone or anything else. Period. If I’m not showering, driving, or eating out somewhere with friends… my laptop is rarely out of reach. I’m one of those intensely connected people who will check email if I happen to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

But my phone? I didn’t consider myself to be as much of a phone addict. First of all, I don’t like talking on the phone and I’m not the kind of person to spend hours on end in phone conversations. (On occasion, I have… but it’s not the norm for me.) I’ve had a cell phone in some form since I was just out of high school… but I was not an early adopter when smartphones hit the market. In fact, I resisted smartphones entirely until June of 2009 when the Palm Pre was released… mostly because my pastor was so excited about this new phone with its amazing new operating system, WebOS. But once I got a taste… I was hooked! I started using it to check emails, keep up with my calendar, send text messages more efficiently, play games, even get GPS-style directions. But even so, I didn’t consider myself addicted. I had friends who were far more attached to their devices than I was. Compared to them, I was a relatively casual user.

Or that’s what I thought until yesterday morning… when my Pre finally died before church. I knew that being without my smartphone would be an inconvenience, but I never realized just how much it had become a part of my routine until it wasn’t there anymore.

I don’t wear a watch. It isn’t that I’m opposed to them; it’s just that my wrists have always been watch killers, so I’ve just stopped trying. Now, in the age of smart phones that auto-sync the time and even update your time zone as you travel… I use my phone to check the time A LOT. And I’ve been lost without it!

My phone had also become a replacement for my point-n-shoot camera. I would have loved to take some pictures of a special presentation at our church yesterday morning… but without my phone, and my much larger and more complex DSLR at home, I couldn’t.

I’m on the worship team & many Sundays, I’ll play a song at the end of the service. Sometimes I think of one that would be perfect during the message and look it up on my phone to refresh my memory for chords & words. Couldn’t do that either.

Couldn’t tweet or post a facebook update.

Couldn’t text the tech team during service to let them know when something wasn’t showing up right.

Couldn’t check emails.

At lunch, couldn’t check in with my friends using a location service.

Couldn’t check the weekend hours of a store I needed to visit while I was driving there.

At home, couldn’t call my mom from a phone number that she’d recognize as mine.

Couldn’t text a quick question to a friend.

Couldn’t set my alarm for the morning.

And since my Pre displays the time while it is on its touchstone charger… I also lost my night table clock!

No wonder I’m feeling a little depressed! No wonder I’m going into tech withdrawals!

For a brief moment last night, while I was lamenting my situation, in a flash of either clarity or insanity… I wondered if maybe it might be a good idea to stay disconnected for a while…

Nah. Not gonna happen!

Web Site:

Make sure that your service times and exact address are nowhere to be found on the main page of your site. (As an added bonus, if your church is in a city with a common name like Springfield, boldly proclaim that fact and even provide a street address… but neglect to mention what state you’re in… and don’t give the area code with your phone number.)

Mention your service times at least two other places on your site, at least three clicks away from your homepage… but make sure that you give different times in both places. Gotta keep folks on their toes!

Give written directions that use landmarks like “turn by the old Walmart” (that was torn down years ago). Folks who are new to town need to have enough respect for the community to learn where things used to be, not just where they are.

Devote half a page to your statement of faith, and dedicate at least four pages to a defense of tithing.

While re-designing your site, don’t use “under contruction” pages or other placeholders… instead, direct every incomplete link back to the main page of your site with no explanation.

Parking:

If you have an early service or early Sunday School classes prior to your worship service, make sure that everyone who attends these functions parks in such a way that their vehicles cannot be seen when the visitor first pulls into the parking lot. Maybe the visitor will just turn around and go home…

Avoid having any sort of directional marks or even painting parking stall lines… things always work out so much better when folks are allowed to choose where to park for themselves, free from the legalistic confines of yellow paint.

If you have a parking lot ministry, make sure you station those volunteers inside the foyer.

Signage:

Didn’t Jesus say that a wicked and adulterous generation seeks a sign? Who needs them! Especially if you have a larger campus with multiple buildings, three of which used to be your main sanctuary at some point and still look like they could be from the outside. Anyone who is being led by the Spirit will be able to figure out where to go.

Greeting:

If you want to run people off, there are two opposite but equally effective ways to accomplish this. 1) Don’t talk to them at all. Make them go searching for a bulletin. Make sure that none of the staff are identifiable or available to help in any way. 2) Stalk them. Make sure that at least 6 people greet them with uncomfortably long handshakes, and at least two of those attempt to get the visitor to fill out a multi-page dossier before they even make it to the sanctuary.

For bonus points, slap a nice big “Hello, my name is…” nametag on every visitor… and make every effort to spell their name incorrectly.

Bulletin/Announcements:

Give every ministry, small group, fellowship, and committee a truly unique and uninformative name. Then cheerfully announce that “Cobalt” is meeting tonight, but “Indigo” is postponed until next week. Give no indication of what these are.

When giving an announcement that requires folks to see a specific individual for more information, position that person in a poorly lit back corner of the sanctuary and have them wave briefly when you announce them. Yeah, I’ll remember that hand next time I see it.

Worship:

Use worship music that is popular and familiar to many folks — stuff they might have heard on Christian radio — only change the words just enough and alter the melody just a bit so that any comfortable feelings of familiarity are eliminated. This will effectively squelch any desire on the visitor’s part to sing out and participate in worship for fear of sticking out like a sore thumb.

Another approach: use only music that members of your church have written, and sing them in keys that are unattainable by the general public.

Sermon:

Never let a sermon “stand alone.” Preach in such a way that no one will have any idea what you’re talking about unless they’ve listened to the last 40 sermons leading up to this one…

Follow-Up:

Don’t distinguish between visitors and members in your church database. That way, after they’ve visited the church once, they’ll still get mail five years later pleading with them to contribute to the Pastor Appreciation gift.

So, what story do you have about the most effeminate anatomically male worship leader you’ve ever personally witnessed?

It’s quite a provocative question. I wasn’t sure if he was seriously looking for answer at first… but unlike (apparently, quite a few) other folks who follow Driscoll’s page, I didn’t read his question as “bashing” or being divisive for no good reason. In fact, a very specific example immediately came to mind. I’ve been involved in worship teams since I was in my late teens, so I’ve seen just about every church leadership stereotype play out before my eyes. Effeminate guys, manipulative gals, the affairs, the coverups, the stuff that goes on behind the scenes… it happens far too often.

In the ensuing comment storm, a few interesting things came out:

1. Even before Driscoll provided a definition for what he meant by “effeminate,” a significant number of folks had already assumed they understood what he meant and attempted to defend effeminate behavior, mostly with references to King David.

2. Many others skipped the question entirely, jumped to conclusions about Driscoll’s motives / integrity / spirituality / identity and just attacked him for posting it in the first place, or attempted to “pastor” him or “scold” him with their advice.

3. The vast majority of the comments either didn’t answer the question or answered by saying that they haven’t had an effeminate worship leader.

4. Those who did answer the question fell into three basic categories: Those who cited examples of worship leaders they considered effeminate but were good guys; Those who cited examples of worship leaders or worship leader behavior that they considered effeminate and made them uncomfortable or took away from the worship experience; And those who took advantage of the comment thread to call out specific leaders by name and criticize them.

It was an interesting (tho heated) thread, and definitely full of food for thought.

For my purposes, I’ll use the definition of effeminate that Driscoll posted:?1: having feminine qualities untypical of a man : not manly in appearance or manner 2: marked by an unbecoming delicacy or overrefinement.

But even though Driscoll focused on “being effeminate” as a specific issue that he has identified with worship leaders because it can discourage people — especially men — from attending a church, that’s a pretty narrow focus. Pride, lack of character, an apparent predisposition towards having affairs… there are plenty of flaws that seem common to Worship Leaders that can create problems for their congregations. Even in places where leaders aren’t necessarily “effeminate,” I think that a whole host of problems arise because there is a lack of strong & healthy male leadership.

I’ve seen a lot of church situations where the worship leaders have been far from ideal… but the worst have been in charismatic / Pentecostal churches. I’m sure that there are problematic leaders in all denominations. I’m also sure that this sort of thing would be extremely difficult to quantify since different people are going to define “effeminate” or “problematic” differently and tolerate different degrees of it. It’s impossible to make any kind of authoritative statement about one group being more prone to this than another… but I don’t think it’s merely coincidence that I’ve personally noticed this more in charismatic / Pentecostal churches than in other denoms. Yes, I would have noticed it more there because… well… that’s where I was! But I also think there are some traits that make it easier for “problematic” leaders to be appointed.

Part of it probably relates to the style and prominence of worship in “Spirit-filled” churches vs the style in churches where that is not as highly emphasized. My personal observation is that charismatic churches tend to devote more service time to music, use more emotional or evocative music, and value musicians more highly than other churches. This combination would naturally attracts folks who are a bit more demonstrative than the general population.

Part of it probably also relates to the teaching of the church. When you re-enforce emotional worship with feeling-centered teachings, it just intensifies the effect. When I was attending charismatic / Pentecostal churches, a theme that was often repeated was the church as the Bride of Christ. That led to all kinds of sexual imagery being used in the context of worship… and sexual language in worship songs… and since men were part of the Bride, it also made it OK for them to be more feminine… and perhaps more prone to affairs, porn, and other immoral behavior.

But I don’t think those factors alone account for the lack of strong male leaders in many churches. The biggest “unspoken” reason, in my opinion… is that the “alpha male” of the church chases all the other strong males away. Pastors who are controlling won’t let men be men. Their very style of authority creates effeminate leaders. A church cannot over-emphasizes submission to the pastor, or over-emphasizes the role of the pastor in the lives of his congregants, without effectively castrating the congregation.

Anyhow, speculation on Driscoll’s comment thread was that he might be preparing to teach on this subject soon. I’ll certainly be watching my FB feed

EDIT 7/8/11: One thing that I said in the “comment storm” and neglected to say here was that I thought the issue extended beyond leaders just being “effeminate” — there are lots of people in leadership in churches today who, frankly, shouldn’t be there… and their presence does a lot to deter folks who might otherwise attend a church. Too many church leaders lack character, lack backbone, or just plain lack the skills necessary to do the job. Unfortunately, leadership roles in many churches are more often determined by family ties and friendships than by ability and passion for God.

And one final thought — at one point in the comment thread, Driscoll responded:

It’s a real issue. Most churches do not have nearly as many men as women. Women tend to feel more comfortable in a feminine environment than men do in a feminine environment. Many churches that attract women repel men. Sometimes it has a lot to do with the guy up front leading the music. This comes out of a recent conversation with a blue collar non-Christian who wanted to learn the Bible but felt very uncomfortable with the guy on the mic leading worship so he walked out.

Demographically, there are definitely more women in churches than men. But Driscoll almost seems to be implying that more “feminine” worship leaders attract more women. I don’t think that’s a valid argument, because 1) Women outnumber men even in churches that don’t have worship leaders, and 2) I honestly can’t imagine that women enjoy seeing “effeminate” worship leaders any more than the men do.

We had a wonderful time in Reynosa this week at Casa Hogar Benito Juarez. These trips are physically and emotionally draining, but I never regret going. And even tho I’m already looking forward to my next trip to Mexico… I’m also looking forward to getting home, catching up on a couple of projects, and having some good “alone” time to process everything that happened this week.

Thursday morning, I had a chance to share a little bit during the devotional time at Casa Hogar. The last time I was in Reynosa, I learned a few of their favorite worship songs in Spanish… so I brought my guitar and played them this time.

I love Spanish worship… there are ways to say things in Spanish that just don’t work very well in English. As I’ve been learning, I’ve had to look up some words and phrases that I didn’t completely understand… especially where they use idioms we don’t have in English. But that’s been a good thing for me. When I listen to an English worship song, I’m just hearing things that I’ve heard hundreds of times before. I don’t have to think about it… so too often, I just don’t. The words (rich and meaningful as they might be) are just empty containers if I don’t put something of myself into them.

But when I’m learning a song in Spanish, because I don’t know the language fluently, I have to think about what I’m saying. And because I like to share things that are meaningful to me with others, I also think about how I would say it or sing it in English. And when I take the time to do that, even simple words and seemingly trite phrases come to life for me.

I need to get to the place where I can be that way… even with the songs I sing in English. But that can’t happen with an over-programmed life, without any time to just be alone with God and free from distraction.